What is open adoption? Why would you choose that? Aren’t you scared you will be less of a parent with the biological family involved? Woah, hold up. The endless amounts of questions and concerns regarding and open adoption sometimes makes me so sad. I sometimes wish for one second those that don’t know anything about adoption or anything about what open adoption means could spend a week in our shoes because it would truly open their eyes and explain to them what it actually means .

Let’s rewind for a moment. I’m a mother of 5 children. One of my children is in heaven , my two oldest daughters I had biologically and my two youngest I was blessed with through adoption and I struggle with infertility from being an egg donor in 2015. I remember in 2016 when me and my husband got married we talked about adoption. During our little “honey moon” weekend get away I remember going to a store and he sat in a rocker with a onesie and we both talked about our future and how we would love to grow our family through adoption. At the time in 2016 we didn’t know anything about adoption. We didn’t know how to start. We didn’t know when we would move forward with it and we had no idea the costs or what open or closed adoptions really were, and also we thought there were certain rules on how long you need to be married etc. We just knew one day we would love to do it. we were wrong about many of our assumptions and that’s why I’m here writing this today.

We continued in 2016 on a TTC journey with fertility meds and finally was blessed in 2017 with a baby girl. At 20 weeks pregnant God decides to take our baby girl home with him. I didn’t understand it and I was hurt. I didn’t know Gods plan for us as a married couple. A little over a month after my daughter went to heaven I came in contact with my now daughters birth mom.. let’s call her Momma B. Momma B had reached out to us and told us she was due in a month and although the timing was tough for us she wanted nothing more than for us to adopt her child. The moment I opened up the message my head was spinning. I had no idea what to do but my heart was bursting with excitement. Once we got to talking I remember one of my biggest questions for her was.. are you wanting to be apart of the babies life or are you wanting to just watch from the side lines? During that time I didn’t feel I knew enough and I wish my conversation went differently because I would have looked into adoption so much more deeply (not that anything was wrong but I would have made everything even more special) . She has told us she wasn’t really sure but she just wanted to watch from the side lines mainly. Over the next 5 weeks we grew a pretty strong relationship me and Momma B. We spent time together. We got our nails done. We went to appointments. We found out together baby was a Girl. We chose the name Grailyn. We talked about if we would get to be apart of the birth and what boundaries she would want us to follow and respect. After-all this baby was still HER baby. On Jan 19 ,2018 I remember getting a message from her that she’s in a lot of pain and she thinks she may be in labor. Momma B only lived 30-40 minutes from us so my husband immediately left and picked her and her mother up and came to the hospital. I arrived shortly after them once my mom had gotten our two oldest girls.

This was it. It was GO time! She was in full labor and didn’t even have time for an epidural. The only wishes momma B had was that we stayed closer to her head. She was doing amazing. She was brave and so strong. The staff treated us and Momma B with so much respect and love. Shortly after arriving to the hospital baby girl was born. The most crazy thing was that it just so happened to be the same room our angel daughter was born and the same doctor too. God knew his magical plan after all blessing us with another daughter after taking one from us.

Our open adoption story began the moment we started building a relationship with Momma B. We didn’t even realize what open adoption truly meant. Open adoption is a positive choice. Never once did we question if we should build a relationship with our daughters birth mother. Never once did we feel that she would over step her role. Never once has our daughters birth mom made us feel like less of of parents to Grailyn. Never once did I not want her to be a huge part of our life. I will never claim to have the magic formula for an open adoption but one thing I hold near and dear to me is the woman who blessed me with my daughter. Anytime this woman needs something she knows she can count on us. Anytime she needs a friend she can count on us. Anytime she or her mother want to see us , we make it happen. She gets to watch Grailyn grow up daily with pictures and we talk like great friends. What’s so unique about open adoption is that NO situation is alike. Open adoption is what you make it and the boundaries you set together as an adoptive parent and as a birth mother/ father. One thing I know going forward with an adoption is as an adoptive parent you need to keep your word. I promised my daughters birth mother we can be as open as she would want or as “less open” as she was comfortable with. I will never close that door on her or her family.

Fast forward a little more to 6 months after our daughter Grailyn was born. We got in contact with an amazing strong woman. She has recently found out she was expecting and said she wanted nothing more than for us to parent her child. We prayed on it and soon after we agreed. We were very open with Momma C from Day 1! It was a long “match” and so we got to build a strong relationship. She wasn’t local like Grailyns Birth mother and so it was tough not being able to be at every appointment and do everything with Momma C. But we talked daily. We knew from the start we wanted a VERY open adoption as I told her how our first adoption has gone and how I hoped to have that same relationship with her. We would FaceTime , text and I would also talk with her other 3 beautiful children. She didn’t have too , but she made she were included in everything having to do with baby. During this whole thing we knew this was still very much her baby and we still give her that respect but we made sure to love on her with every ounce of our being.

In October 2018 I officially got to meet our future sons birth mother in person. She and 2 of her children came to visit us. We laughed, we smiled and we enjoyed every moment getting to spend with her. She even got to see our love in person for our children including our beautiful daughter who we were blessed with by adoption. My heart was broken when her and her children had to head back to Indiana but I knew we would remain close and talking often.

Fast forward to December 2018. Momma C was only 29 weeks and she went into labor. Days before going into labor she was put into the hospital for having some complications so me and my husband were on edge. The morning of Dec 11 we got a text “emergency csection he kicked through my cervix” And without hesitation I called my mom crying and she calmed me down. I called my husband (he works at a prison) I was an emotional wreck he couldn’t understand a word I said but he hurried home. Once he was home we found the next available flight to Indiana in the later afternoon Momma C finally got back to us. We made sure she was okay and we made sure the baby was okay as well. We arrived in Indiana later that evening and we immediately went to the hospital. We waited in the lobby while Momma C spent time with her fiancé and then she gave us permission to come up. Once we went up she had brought us to the Nicu with her and it was truly emotional. She was a true warrior just like our son would be.

Over the next few weeks Momma C pumped for us and even though she signed papers she would still visit us as often as we let her! She was a huge help and blessing as we had to go back and forth between Indiana and South Dakota because we had 3 other children. YES, I said the correctly. She was a huge blessing and it meant the world to us she would be there when we couldn’t be.

Over the next about 13 weeks was amazing , but so emotional. We got to spend a lot of time with Momma C and her children and even meeting her mom and her now husband. We did our nails , we went to lunch , we drove around and talked. It was amazing. Leaving Indiana was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Seems crazy right? Wrong. I loved every moment I got to spent with Brooksons birth mother. I miss her every single day. I even have built an amazing relationship with Brooksons biological Father and he was also adopted as well which is a beautiful part of Brooksons story. He keeps us with Brooksons just as much as Momma C. He’s even sent clothes and goodies for Brookson. Me and Brooksons birth mother talk almost daily but I miss being around her. Having a long distance open adoption can sometimes be hard but it’s also beautiful continuing your relationship whether that’s just seeing the child on social media , or video calls or texts.

Open adoption is everything for us. It’s apart of our life and I would never want to do a closed adoption after having the relationships I do with both of my children’s biological mothers. Open adoption means adoption will never be a secret to my children , it’ll just be apart of their life and story. Open adoption will allow my children to have answers to their questions they may have in the future. Questions like .. why was I placed? Did my parents love me? How did they choose my adoptive parents etc. Another thing I want to make clear and a question I get asked is… Is the adoption confusing to your children? But truly it’s what you make it and it’s the boundries you set! Our children will never be confused as they will always have answers when they are ready for them. I want open adoption because I want my children to feel special not abandoned. With a closed adoption a birth mother never knows who her child goes to (usually) and there is no relationship built. An open adoption opens the doors to get to know each other on a level you both are comfortable with! It doesn’t have to be the same as our story. You can create your own open adoption story.

If you’re looking to adopt I truly beg you to look into why open adoption is for you. It can be such a beautiful thing. If you’re an expectant mom looking to place and unsure on your emotions, move forward with an open adoption and set the openness to your comfort level. Being apart of your child’s life will be a huge blessing.

Xoxo

Adkins