Never in a million years did I think I would ever be writing a blog about a loss. Nothing can prepare you for a loss, because one minute you’re okay and then the next moment all the pain hits and your dreams have been ripped away.

Nobody knows what to say to you to help heal your pain and broken heart , not that anything can heal you – but it seems after a loss everyone says the worst things. “Find the positive” , or “you guys can try again” or the best one “God needed your baby more”. I know that there is NO positive beside the fact I was positive my baby was dead. Yes, of course we could try again but it would never be the baby I lost , I wanted her so badly.

Yes gods plan is truly amazing and I wouldn’t question him , but I needed my baby too. No matter how much time passes you still feel so broken and you still have so many questions. Do you know how hard it is to hold a baby that will never cry?

Nobody told me it would hurt so bad to not press the baby button after my child was born to announce over the entire hospital the arrival of my baby. Nobody told me That I will never do normal things with my baby like I would be able to if she was alive. I wouldn’t get to give my baby her first bath, I will never dress them. None of it.

Do you know how hard it is when somebody asks how many kids you have to answer the question without feeling hurt? It feels nobody remembers that child but you. I remember when my sweet friend lost her first baby girl Winslon a year after my daughter. It hurt me so bad to see somebody I loved experience something I know is so gut wrenching. 1 year after she got blessed with another baby girl and everyone tells her “I’m so happy you finally get one of each” Or “yay you finally get your girl” you see us moms of angels have to hold the memory of our child alive because it seems nobody else will.

When people look at our family photos it seems 2 years later our family is perfect and complete. You see a beautiful mom and dad and 4 perfect kids.. but no matter how hard they look at our photos my darling angel they won’t see you. No matter how many babies I’m blessed with I know I won’t ever have you. I should have one more daughter and the kids should have 1 more sibling and my parents should have one more grand baby here earthside. I wish people would understand that even know I didn’t know your bedtime schedule , your giggles , how you liked to be rocked and all the beautiful details about you – We still loved you with every ounce of our being and it hurts us daily that you aren’t here. I can’t believe it’s been 2 years.

I will always fight for you and battle to keep you alive in every part of our life. I can’t lie my sweet baby, most days I cover up the pain and push through and I have gotten so good at pushing through , that every time I’m hit with tears in my eyes or grief that I can just let it go so fast because I should be over it by now right? WRONG. I will never be over my loss. I have just become very good at coping and learning to accept that your gone. My heart will always see you in our family photos , my heart will always have you in it, my mind will always have you in the back of it. You may be invisible to the world but you will always be the brightest star in the nights sky to your mommy and dads, you’ll always be in my soul and you’ll always be my baby. I promise I won’t ever forget that.

First off the words “there is no heartbeat” are the most evil words a mom could hear. It feels like your beautiful world just stops in that moment and you never want to continue on. Nobody warns us mommas of angels that during delivery we would hear the cries of beautiful healthy babies next door, or pass by nurseries with everyone’s baby beside our own. Nobody tells you that you only get a short amount of time with your beautiful angel and their body starts to change so fast in the worst ways and that to us moms it doesn’t matter because every second we physically get matters… and then you have to pass them off to a stranger to take them to a funeral home and that’ll be the last time you’ll ever see them again. Nobody tells you that the extra money you had saved for the beautiful arrival of your baby would be spent on cremation / burial, autopsie and memorials. Nobody tells you how you go through all the normal post partum pains including the beautiful site of getting a full milk supply that will never be used by your angel. You would have to continue changing pads for days or weeks after your birth. That you’ll barely notice all the horrible cramps as your uterus goes back to normal only because your heart hurts so much worse. Why didn’t anybody warn me that time would go so fast? One moment everyone cares about you and sends flowers and texts and the next it seems your memory is forgotten. It was so hard for me to understand. My baby was stillborn but damn it she was still born.

The worst thing in the entire world is feeling as a mother and woman you failed. Your mind starts telling you how this is your fault and you start to question everything. People would say how they were sorry but if anything I felt sorry because I had one job and that was to keep you alive and in my mind I failed. My mind was everywhere. You become a prisoner in your own mind. My angel baby , Your life and future was robbed from me and instead of planning your arrival and first birthday I planned your funeral. Your due date hurts. The day I was told you have no heartbeat hurts. The day you were born hurts. Your funeral day hurts. It all hurts and that will never go away. I can let go of a million balloons in your memory , get tattoos , get a ton of teddy bears in your honor but it will still never heal my broken heart. A piece of my heart is always going to be in heaven and I will never be the woman I was before losing you. My grief is my grief and I live it daily and in the ways I need to survive. I cannot apologize for the things I feel or do that may upset others (pregnancy announcements , attending showers etc). Sometimes I feel ridiculous feeling those ways but no matter how many children I’m blessed with , certain things still hurt me. My grief cannot be rushed because it’s always apart of me. If somebody cannot understand this part of my life then they are fortunate to have not experienced a loss like losing you.

Even if somebody had warned me what it was like to lose a child there would have never been enough preparation for moments that I went through and feelings that I felt. I had to take it day by day. I wanted to write your story over and over again but my blog stayed empty. I will never be able to write the feelings I feel down exactly , that’s how deep my loss has affected me. I have gone through so many periods of grief and also so many periods of healing which I will share. But for now let’s talk about a few things my loss / angel taught me.

Ugg I hate to say it because In the moment it made no sense but God’s plan is so beautiful. I have come to realize that no matter how much it hurts he knows better than me.

Crying is 100% okay. Some days it feels good to cry and let it all out and that’s OK! It’s normal.

People can grieve differently. Mostly since it’s been 2 years later I try to be as positive as I can be: don’t get me wrong it still stings but talking about it less helps me cope. Me and my husband both hurt , but we grieved so differently and sometimes that was hard.

Dad’s grieve too. Everyone always shows love to the mother of the child loss and so often a dad is forgotten. He was excited and happy for his baby. People don’t always see the dads tears or hear their cries. My angel taught me how strong my husband truly was/ is.

It’s so important to stay strong in your relationship and to love your spouse through this hard time , even if you grieve differently. So many couples after losing a child it makes them stronger or breaks them apart because it’s so traumatizing.

It’s okay to have good days and to live your life. It feels like your world stopped when your babies heart did but you need to still live your life and keep your angels memory alive. I felt so guilty on the days I would be 100% happy. But being happy or having good days didn’t change the fact I was a mom of an angel or that I didn’t love or miss her.

Not every day will be amazing. You can have an amazing year and then one day grief hits you like a freaking bus! Suddenly everything reminds you of your baby. Everything hurts and everything isn’t OK! (Not that it ever was but in those moments you can cope)

Stillborn happens to 1 in every 160 pregnancies and yet people feel it’s still so personal to talk about or that you share your child for attention. It’s not just a statistic it’s me. Some people cringe when you share your dead child’s photo as if this child didn’t exist. Stop hiding your angel! Stop feeling ashamed! Your angels story deserves to be told and you shouldn’t feel guilty for telling it / sharing it. Your baby matters. They existed! Also 1 in 4 woman will have a misscariage. Stop letting these woman suffer in silence!

Not until you lose a child do you know what it’s like to be sad every day even when you experience joy. I have gone through so many periods as I heal (not completely but learning to cope with myself) and I want too share them.

Part of healing is hoping people know – Every time I talk about my angel baby it doesn’t have to be sad. Sometimes I just want her to be included and her memory remembered. I need her story to be heard. It’s helping me talk about her.

Part of healing is accepting that it’s okay to have more kids after and it’s okay to not feel guilty because they are not a replacement and us having them doesn’t mean we are trying to replace them in any way. Nobody will be them and that’s that. I love all my children including my angel equally.

And there is so many parts of the healing journey but part of healing is admitting it’s Okay to not be okay. Cry whenever you need to. Scream. Shout. Live your truth. Be real and raw. Be vulnerable. Coping with the loss of an angel takes time.. maybe even forever.

Despite the pain of losing my angel. I will forever be grateful I was chosen to be her mom and forever grateful you lived within me. I will cherish those moments I had with you. You are not forgotten my angel and you will forever have mommas and dads heart.

To all you mommas with an angel baby. You are not alone. And I will always share our truths. Our angel babies matter.

Xoxo A grieving mother.